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| I am long overdue for an update....I promise, hopefully within the next few days, that I will update. Is anyone still subscribed? I don't even know. 'Til I update.... Love,
C5 | | |
| I guess I'm not as bad as I make it seem, but I'm having a hard time sitting still watching everyone else go through their semester finals. I guess it's a little rough being unproductive with my life...at least I scored a couple job interviews in hopes to bring myself some sort of an income. The two potential jobs are completely different...one is for a city recreation department. Part-time, decent salary, hour commute. WAAAAY-part time, okay salary, and barely any commute. It's okay...I really want one, but I'll take what I can get. To top it off, I start my grad program in January....so, I'll be back to my overwhelmed self again! YAY!!!! Hahaha.... In the meantime...I'll concentrate on the now...whatever that consists of. I'm constantly trying to push for my future to come to me quicker than it's supposed to naturally happen. That's totally me...completely impatient and just wanting to move forward in life. I feel like my life has been rewound to my teenage years; jobless, mooching off my parents, dreaming of dreams that are ridiculously far fetched, etc. I want things that are far out of my reach, but for some reason, I feel like they're right there. I spend way too much time feeling sorry for myself with hopeful plans for life events. I spend way too much time thinking about what I desperately want...and I neglect to realize how much it annoys the most important people in my life. Such is life...and woe is me. | | |
| I read a post by Philly and was reminded of times past. Well...those thoughts came up when Ninang (my brother's godmother) passed away on Halloween this year. When I found out Ninang died, I was filled with sadness and I was upset that I was in the Philippines at the time...I couldn't even run next door to be with their family...or the family that I had adopted as my own when I was a little kid. Since they live next door, I was with them a lot. We're not blood related...but growing up I had always been mistaken as the fourth sister at school...and eventually I started calling them Mom and Dad. I knew the holiday season was quickly coming up. When I finally came home from the Philippines, I spent a lot of time next door. It's still weird going there without Ninang being there...I remember talking with their youngest daughter; the one that people always thought was my sister. She said to me "I think the first holidays are going to be the hardest." I totally agreed. It suddenly brought back a flood of memories from when my Grandpa passed away just a little over four years ago. The first birthdays after that were the hardest; especially since the first ones were less than a week after the services. Mine was next....then the holidays came. I remember sitting around the table feeling like something was missing. We got solemn for a little bit and then snapped out of it. It was hard...maybe even harder than how it was at the services. This time was no different. With Ninang gone and the holidays now in full swing, I can't help but think of her often. We didn't really have a choice but to move on, but it still hurts like crazy. Her youngest grandchild just celebrated his first birthday. I wish she could have been there. I know life moves on...and it doesn't really do much to wait for them to come back. We can just sit and watch and listen for signs that they're there. I know they are...it's just a matter of truly accepting that they're gone. | | |
| I'm pretty stumped at how it's already been three weeks since I've come home from the Philippines. I was telling my Mom today that I never felt like I was in another country...and I couldn't really figure out why. Well...I had to come up with the conclusion that it was probably just because I was really comfortable there. There were just some language barriers, plumbing differences, and major traffic that I had to deal with...and those were probably the biggest issues that I had to deal with while I was there. Other than that...I felt at home. I'm glad I went...and I can't wait until I go back. This was the first time I came home and didn't find myself in tears. Usually I'll get to the airport in the Philippines and almost immediately start crying because I don't like leaving my family, espcially my Grandma, behind. Maybe having a cousin come home with my helped...but even when I got home, which is when I usually cry for hours, I shed a few tears from accepting reality. Coming home this time was different...usually I'm sad about coming home and snapping back to reality. I had so much to do when I got home this time that I felt like I had to snap back into it faster than usual. I really wanted to write a long blog...but I'm tired. I'll revisit this at some point. ^_^ | | |
| Saturday, November 1, 2008 1136PM Philippine time There have been a great number of influential people in my life. When I was little, I had terrible separation anxiety. I wouldn't stay at preschool, but my Mom had to go to work. So...when I refused to go to a babysitter, my Mom left me at home. I was quite young; maybe three or four years old. I was all alone at that age. Apparently when my Mom got to work, she called our neighbor's house to come get me and take me to their house. There was a ring at the doorbell, and like the smart kid I was, I opened it. Now that I think about it, I'm thankful I knew who was there because if not, I would have been screwed. I had a hard time being by myself with anyone other than my family. Luckily I've always been close to my neighbors. The Dad is my brother's godfather (in Tagalog, we say Ninong) thus making the Mom my brother's godmother (Ninang). Even though we've gotten older, I still stay close to that family...I even call their parents Mom and Dad. Some time ago, Mom was diagnosed with cancer...and by malpractice and neglect by her health care, she got worse almost immediately. It was an unfortunate turn of events and just when they finally took her to Stanford for a second opinion and we thought she was going to get better...her health got even worse leaving her bed ridden in a hospital bed at home. Unfortunately, due to my trip, I haven't been there in the past month. Today, while we were walking around Fort Bonifacio, I received a call from my Dad. Ninang/Mom had passed away. October 31, 2008 730PM. Rest in peace, Ninang. Thank you for everything you have done for me and for providing me with a wonderful second family. You will be forever in my thoughts. I miss you. | | |
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